Sunday, January 7, 2007

City #1: Zoe, Nothing but doubts, unattainable belief

Walking into this dark, confusing, lifeless city, one would imagine no city at all. But instead nothing but doubts fill your head because there are no signs of interaction, no lights leading to important city landmarks, and no form of communication among the city people. This city is the city of Zamri. Walking around this city is like trying to get out of a closed in maze. Everywhere you turn only takes you back to where you began your journey. One step in the other direction is only one step closer to your starting spot. While you walk around and around trying to figure out what would lead you to one familiar thing that you have left behind, somehow you feel farther and farther away. Every building you walk by only looks more and more similar to the one you just left. With the doors barricaded off and the locks surely secure, the life on the street is extremely shut down and unconscious.
Then finally the sun begins to shine and familiar places and things begin to appear as if you were in a never ending dream. Markets begin to fill with fresh fruit and daily baked goods, shops begin to swing the doors open and cafés begin to brew coffee. And somehow you feel familiarly at home. The sense of direction is attainable now and you are ready for the day ahead. For some reason the lost sense of nothingness is filled with excitement and dominance to take on the world. Every which way you turn people are fulfilling their own self profound prophecies. There are bakers, shop keepers, butchers, and fruit vendors working hard everyday to make a living and to provide goods to the people of the city. Now it seems as though the city is alive and well, whereas just a few hours earlier it felt lifeless and lonely.

City #2: Zemrude, following every day the same stretches of street and finding again each morning the ill-humor of the day before, today is soon tomorrow.

Entering this city with exhaustion and confusion still controlling the body, only to endure more exhaustion and confusion. This would be the city of Zambio. The body is ordered to complete attainable daily tasks where normally a second thought would not cross the mind. But for some reason this city has some uncontrolled power of time loss and mystification that the body has a hard time adjusting. Following every day the same stretches of street and finding again each morning the ill-humor of the day before. No day is separated by the next, but instead the days seem to run together like a forever running river. Taking the same streets with the same thoughts running over and over in the mind only further complicates the issues of distinguishing the days apart. It is as though the body is lost in a time machine only to be thrown back on the same day over and over again. The thought of the next day is only a blink away, but the memory of the last day has never left today. With the busyness of the day and the things left undone, exhaustion takes over the body to the point of deprivation.
It is only after the body has shut down, that one truly feels alive and well again. Ready for the inviting but fatiguing cycle to start again, you start the day out feeling like any other day but better prepared and ready for achievement. It is only now after preparing the mind and body that the days are more pronounced and the nights are more well rested. Life begins to slow down again and sooner rather than later the strategy of planning the occasion is taken as a whole day by day instead of instant by instant.

City #3: Chloe, eyes lock for a second, then dart away. All the same but totally different.

In this city of Kivee, everything is familiar yet very far from home at the same time. When walking around the city the people, places and things are ringing with awareness to the mind but nothing seems to be as it is. Passing people on the street seems very foreign. Eyes lock for a second, then dart away. It is as if the mind is very similar but the body language and style is extremely unique and exotic. Along the side streets, there are numerous men wanting you to stop and look at their priceless possessions. Where normally, these inexpensive souvenirs would be sold as extremely expensive in the foreign land, here they are all over in every direction. To the eye they look the same on the outside, but strangely they are not as they appear.
One man comes along with a cigar in his mouth and a cane in his hand. He stops to chat with a friend on the street. On the other side, a woman is taking her dog out for the morning stroll. Ahead of her, children are chasing each other on the sidewalk in front of their grandmother. Stores are opening and the fresh air is blowing in your face.
Other people are oddly familiar; yet seem so distant as well. One woman could be standing next to you in a bakery, looking at your face, but the communication level between the two are extremely low. There is music in the distance, laughter in the crowds, people joining others for dinners and desserts, and young crowds later rejoining each other to mingle later in the evening. Even in a similar city, with seemingly similar people, and seemingly a similar setting, one feels more distant than ever before and the thoughts and feelings that most comfort them has vanished. It is only after one settles down into this unfamiliar setting that one starts to become this setting.

City #4:

In the city of Armiki, one never loses the sense of icicle confusion. Everywhere you look it appears to have a reflection of yourself for some strange reason. Walking in the streets your own reflection is reflected back to you threw puddles of mud. Looking out the window you again see a glimpse of yourself. During a dinner conversation with a friend you have yet again caught your own mirror image in the wine glass on the table. You can not escape it, no matter how much you want to get away from it, you just end up looking right back in your own eyes.
The thought that replays over and over again is that you are in a world strictly to serve your own best interest. No matter how much you want to escape it, it is you who must be knowingly aware of what you are encountering and how you perceive this wonderful image called life.
It is only then that you can stop seeing yourself in the reflections surrounding you and start seeing others take over and start looking out for their best interest. This city is allowing you to be knowledgeable about yourself so you can be better prepared to take care of others. In this respect, this city opens your eyes to how you would like to be treated and requires that treatment upon other individuals. By looking into the confusing icicle images, it is then that the whole picture is more clear. These images portray vivid descriptions of ones self not otherwise acknowledged or known unless thought of in this light.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Critique

Story 1: I really liked how the story painted a vivid picture. The use of daylight to indicate the city's ebb and flow was a good, visual device. I also liked how the first paragraph was so evocative of the feeling of loneliness.

In this story, there were a few things that distracted me from the image it painted, mainly in terms of word choice and construction. There is a great deal of ambiguity in the phrases "one would imagine no city at all," "extremely shut down and unconscious," and "dominance to take on the world." While ambiguity is a powerful poetic device, I feel these detracted from the story in that I stumbled over them and they broke the flow when I was reading. Also, I don't really feel that this piece follows the theme of "unattainable belief" assigned to it. It seems more like "opposites" or "hope."

Story 2:
I really liked the voice that this piece was written in. It sounds kind of "detached," which seems very appropriate from the sort of sleepless mood of the narrator in this story. It, for me, gives the story soft edges and a dreamlike quality. I also like how this story was a clear representation of its theme.

In terms of things I didn't like, I have to take note of the fact that the first sentence of the piece was a fragment. This kind of turned me off to the rest of the story because I was expecting something to set the tone in the first sentence. The tone it set for me was an unsure, awkward one, and I found I couldn't really enjoy the rest of the story as much. Also, there were some questionable word choices, for example "The body is ordered to complete attainable daily tasks" seems a little awkward to me.

Story 3:
I liked the visceral evocativeness of the description, especially near the end of the first paragraph. The theme is very interesting and the story matches it well.

Again, I had problems with the word choice in this story. It seems that maybe the attempted assumption of Calvino's voice is clouding otherwise good writing. I'm not sure that such a voice is appropriate for this story, and I would have preferred a first person narrator. It would lend immediacy that this story craves.

Story 4:
I like the first sentence. I have no idea what "icicle confusion" is, so it intrigues me and draws me in. I like how the discussion of reflection sets up the moral at the end. This was my favorite of the four stories because of how fluidly the theme led into the moral.

"Through" is misspelled "threw;" also, "in" would be a better choice than "through" in the context, anyway. The word choice is again awkward at times. Also, the sentence "You can not escape it, no matter how much you want to get away from it, you just end up looking right back in your own eyes" should be split into two sentences. Minor annoyances like this detracted from an otherwise beautiful story.

jeffokada said...

Zamri: The part of this city description that works best for me is the description of the city at night. I really got the sense of being lost within the city; how each landmark and building became more and more alike the longer you walked. I especially like the line “One step in the other direction is only one step closer to your starting spot.” This gives the reader the sense of the futility of searching in this city.
My critique of this story is that there could be more description of the town during the daytime. The beginning was great in that you made the reader feel like he was lost at night in this big, unfamiliar city, but the morning scene did a tad less of this. I would have liked to been able to see how the fruit vendors work or bustle of the market.

Zemrude, I like how you tie this story into it seems like several themes. The idea of continuity of days was established by the images of the body being thrown at each day over and over again. I also thought the theme of rebirth was touched upon when you write about how a person can begin again only when it has been shut down.
I would have liked to see maybe more concrete images of the city. I was really getting into the idea of regenerating the body when you wrote about how the “days are more pronounced and the nights are more well rested,” but I would like to have seen more of this imagery.

Kivee: The parts of the story that worked for me is the images towards the end of the story. I liked the image of the man at the side with a cane and a cigar in his mouth. The line of “there is music in the distance, laughter in the crowds, people joining others for dinners and desserts” really illustrates the mellow, but festive, environment.
The theme of this story seemed to be different than the one that you ascribed to it. You wrote that the theme is of how everything is different but the same, while I might suggest that the story is about inclusion. The beginning of this story seemed like it was about the loneliness of being on the outside, while the last portion seemed triumph and heralded the personal connection of people.

Armiki: I really like the description of the city full of your own reflection. It also works well that there are reflections of yourself everywhere but it still seems that at some point you get lost in the image of yourself and all else falls away into the distance.
One thing I might want to revise is a more specific account of what one sees in the reflection. It is not altogether clear to me what he sees. You describe it as seeing “life” and gain “knowledge” but I am not sure what you mean by that. I understand it as you seeing yourself truly for what it is and seeing others for what they are. However, this point might have to be more explicitly spelled out to the reader.